Yes, it's Saturday night, and I'm sitting in surfing and listening to music because I'm a loser and I don't want to risk spending money. I even did laundry. I watched Garden State this morning, at my roommates' repeated and unrelenting demand. It's a good watch, if anyone else out there feels like they're going through a quarter life crisis. Apparently that's now almost as recognized as a midlife crisis, however, when you're in your mid 20's apparently you're not nearly as significant, and therefore, no one really cares. I think the main gist of it is we've spent the past 10-15 years cramming and getting ready for life, and when it hits, we're totally lost and don't really know what to do, other than bury our heads in the sand, or the closest distraction to it. Don't get me wrong, I'm more than ready to stop going to school, start working so I can get out of the stifling debt I've placed upon myself, and start living my life. Not dreading certain times of the year because tests are coming and term papers are due, that would be nice. I apparently perform quite well under stress, but that doesn't mean I enjoy it. I'd like to squeeze some time in there for enjoyment of life. And not feel guilty about it.
Had a discussion with random stranger #256 at a party last night, and I made the conclusion that I keep putting my life on hold for things. Sometimes they're important things, necessary things that need to be accomplished in order to continue, or at least I think they are. For instance, my whole year up here in NFL. Oh sure, I'm learning lots, but it's just another pause on the way to wherever it is I'm going. I failed in finding myself satisfying and sustaining work in the real world, and found myself wasting time in a few inappropriate and dead end jobs after I graduated. Then random stranger pointed out that really, it's the journey that's what counts, it's the path you choose to get you there that matters. Yes, of course, good point. But what if you aren't really enjoying the journey, or when you take the time to enjoy it, you fall behind? That thought kind of got me down, because lately, the journey hasn't really been that mind expanding, nor have I been getting a great kick out of it.
I know that while I've been here I've tried really hard not to put down any sort of roots. I don't want to invest myself in this place as a long term thing. I've met lovely people, and I'm happy that I've made friends and acquaintances that will stick with me for the rest of my life, or at least I'll stick with them. Attachments to the place itself though, I've steered clear. I've just missed all my attachments back home. That's pretty bleak when you think of it. I built up a picture wall above my bed, with my favorite pictures from home, and things I've done with friends. I suppose those are my roots here, however shallow the scotch tape lets them spread. I'm not sure what's going to happen next, but I'd really like for the ride to get a lot more enjoyable, and hopefully more exciting.
I like to think that the time wasted in those dead end jobs and those pauses are there to provide a contrast in order to fully appreciate when the good stuff happens.
ReplyDeleteI guess we just hold on to the faith that someday it will all come together. Man, sometimes being an adult sucks.
Just remember that the world is rooting for you, and that you are loved.